*All quotes from this article are directly taken from the show’s script.

Good old finals, a time for students to suffocate and teachers to cringe, parents to faint at the mere sight of a report card. Younger siblings scoff and laugh, but little do they know that in a few short years they will be exactly where you’re now standing: on the brink of insanity. This year the dates of finals have sadly changed so not only do finals fall after winter break, (because just when we thought we’d make it, the universe decided to prove us wrong) but they also fall on the same week as Edina High School’s Winter Play: Peter and the Starcatcher. How cruel the world is to the misfits, those who decided to be brave and venture onto the stage are now being brutally punished. Delia Bush, or Teacher Mermaid agrees. “Yeah, life is complicated,” she said. Ben Weiman, or Captain Black Stache says it’s a dilemma, “the Cadillac Escalade of dilemmas if you will.” So what is it like for the actors of the winter play during the week of both the show and finals?

Well, it starts with tech week, the week going into the opening of a show. This means that every rehearsal is in real time as if it were the day of the show, so rehearsals don’t start right after school, the actors are called at 5:00 instead. This gives them exactly one hour and 50 minutes to get out of that nasty pit of Hell called the parking lot where Captain Black Stache has been known to yell “it’s all about you isn’t it! Selfy self self!” at other cars trying to get in his way, race home, stuff their faces with a quick meal, get out their textbooks to study and, oh, look at the time, you’re already late. Time to get back to school and arrive just in time to put on costumes and makeup, get your hair done, get your microphones taped to your face, warm up, check your props, and run the show promptly at 7:00. The show is run head to toe, and finished at about 9:45 and then the actors can head home for an evening of studying and some sleep. “NO!” said Abigail Swoap, or Molly Aster. Mr. Matthes, the director, has notes for everyone. Alright the actors pop a squat on the stage and listen as they are given corrections, encouragement, or praise, and finally it’s time to head home. “NO WAIT!” said Dylan Rickard, or Peter, Mama Hill has notes concerning costumes, hair and makeup and kindly reminds us to fold things and put them away neatly. And then all that is left to be done is put props and sets away, get mic’s taken off, undress, put costumes away, undo your hair, and head on out. “Mission fulfilled, were going home,” said Leonard Aster. It is now almost 11:00, you’re finally home, and ready for a speedy collapse on your bed. “But you can forget about sleep,” says Black Stache, you have to study.

How do these poor artists cope with the unfortunate reality that is now an inevitable F on all of their finals? Some are still confident in their studying skills, like Black Stache. “[Good studying habits] it’s the trademark of every man, woman and child in me family dating right back to the ameba,” he said. Jack Gilbert, or Smee seemed very certain that his idol would power through these hard times and found joy in often cheering him on. “YEAH! BLACK STACHE BLACK STACHE!” said Smee, and Black Stache, wanting to show gratitude would screech back “THANK YOU SMEE!”

Some are not as confidant or friendly yet they still are courageous and are spreading the word to get some thicker skin. Elizabeth Schuetzle, or Mrs. Bumbrake has been known to do just that. “Shut the faucet… blubbering like a whale when the world’s your oyster,” she said. She believes the cast will make it through and was overheard telling fellow cast member Adam Hecker, or Alf to “ride this wreckage, Romeo!” Molly Aster agrees. “We [actors] cannot afford to be sentimental, we must instead be strong,” she said. Many cast members also suddenly break into song, and sing to each other “swim on against the current, swim on against the sea, though the tide may turn against you, though to strong the tide may be” to keep their spirits up.  

A few cast members have taken a different approach. Hallie Robinson, or Teddy, and Gabe Brosius, or Prentiss both seem to be going insane and are having hallucinations. “I’m just a kid, I’m not responsible!… Help I’m lost!… Which way is down?… Hi, I’m 16, I’m beautiful, and I’m in the market for something long term,” said Prentiss. “Help, Gorillas!… Help I’m hungry!… mmmhhh… Pork… ohhh, sticky pudding,” said Teddy. Some cast member are driving themselves to insanity by self medicating. Teacher Mermaid gave us the inside scoop. “You’re likely wondering what we’ve had to drink now, and you may think, now they’ve gone too far. But something we should not have been exposed to, we got too close to,” she said.    

There is no doubt that cast members are afraid, this became clear when many actors suddenly shouted “DISASTER, DESTRUCTION, DEVASTATION!” when asked how finals week was going so far. Peter seems to have run away and abandon the show completely. “Don’t worry Peter, wherever you are I’ll find you!” said Molly. But Prentiss is less optimistic and claims that “the mollusks [the natives of Neverland] got him.”

All in all it’s a bad week for the thespians of EHS but many cast members are trying to distract themselves by wondering who could have wanted to play this cruel joke on them by placing the show and finals in the same week. Stache says to whoever it is “you’re killing my buzz boy, to which I say die!… I’m Gonna find you!” he said. Ella Williams, or Slank and Alf both agree that whoever they are they’re “a good for nothing bucket of scum.” Molly Aster says that they must be “evil or greedy like Genghis Khan, or they’re hungry for world domination like Caesar or Napoleon or Donald Trump.” No matter who made the change in the first place, these actors are in complete agreement that the misery must end.    

Edina High School and director Tony Matthes were invited to be one of the first high schools in the country to perform this show, so go see it!