After becoming the “official Edina varsity sport letter jacket patch designer of 2013” I came to the realization that Edina has too many good athletes and not enough varsity sports.  So I figured, what the @#$%, might as well petition the school to sanction a few more varsity sports so we can get some of my new bedazzled patches on peoples’ letter jackets.  Support my cause and raise awareness for these new sports at www.mattdulasisanawesomeperson.com™.

Full contact soccer: Also known as “house league,” this legendary game is believed to have originated with King Arthur and the round table.  Mythological historians believe they played this sport after slaying multiple dragons and rescuing some smoking hot (but not literally, they saved them remember?) damsels in distress.  This game has now stretched far beyond the English border and graces the fields of Edina’s Highlands Park, the official site of the glorious battles of skill and brawn.  Some of the world’s most notable global players have emerged from the ranks of “house league,” such as Lionel “The Lion” Messi, Cristiano “I got 99 problems and most of them are women” Ronaldo, and David “Unreal Flow” Beckham.  Why “house league” is not yet a varsity sport is the most profound question of the universe ranking beyond the existence of “the God Particle” and why “Finding Bigfoot” is a real TV show.

Quidditch: “But Matt, it’s already a spooort.”  Okay you Condescending Wonkas of the world, I know it’s already a pseudo-competitive sport-ish activity, but does it exist at Edina High School as a varsity level sport? No it does not, I checked with the athletics office and the athletics lady laughed at me (or maybe it was with me, though I wasn’t laughing… *sigh* wishful thinking).  It was sad, not that she laughed at me, but that Quidditch is not a real sport.  Who wouldn’t want to run around with a broomstick between their legs, chasing after a person dressed in yellow spandex called a “snitch,” (though I’m not sure who they ratted out) and throwing random balls through hoops? I know I would, it just makes you feel “free.”  However, running around with broomsticks could lead to some new and exciting injuries, especially for the male Quidditch players, so Tschida be ready!

Cheese Rolling: Last year when I was walking around the streets of Gloucestershire, England there was a lot of hype about a mysterious sport called “cheese rolling.”  Naturally, I wanted in, so I asked an anonymous stranger on the street “What is the sport of cheese rolling?” He promptly replied in a thick British accent, “Your mother’s cheese rolling.”  So curious about that fine Englishman’s cryptic answer, I decided to attend the annual cheese roll.  Basically, a bunch of people try to chase after a wheel of cheese, preferably of the Gloucester variety, while it rolls down an excessively steep hill.  The injuries sustained are, in a word, expected.  It is highly dangerous, but the hill outside the high school seems like the perfect location (so scenic) and the winner gets the cheese, so that makes breaking your arm okay.  It is the perfect varsity sport, because: 1. You don’t have to be athletic, you just have to be able to roll down a hill fast.  2. No one will get cut because so many people get injured that the team will need all the back ups it can get. 3. If you win you get the cheese! (As stated previously, although it still needed to be reinforced.)  So strap on some body armor, a helmet, and your finest pair of knickerbockers and get tumbling, that hill won’t be there forever!